Waves of Healing

“Grief, like the ocean, comes in waves only to recede and come yet again. But with it comes healing. Memories wash ashore and are bathed by the golden sun. Grab ahold of those memories and let them fill the emptiness. May they bring you peace.”

Sadly, Springtime and the month of April will never be that glorious, amazing time of year it has been my whole life. Even more so, my life will never be the same again. I am certain that your lives have been affected and impacted in ways as well – we all miss Les on the airwaves.

I want to thank everyone that reached out to Les over the past several months. Please know how deeply touched and moved Les was by your outpouring of love, concern and encouragement. Please know the difference it made in his fight for his life. We were both lifted by your concern, thoughts, prayers, all the e-mails, the cards, and the contributions you made showing your love and devotion to my Les Sarnoff and to your Les Sarnoff as well!  We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your generous contributions in his honor to the Oregon Humane Society, Children’s Cancer Association, the Oregon Food Bank, SMART, the Portland Rescue Mission, Livestrong and our church Radiant. The fact that these donations continue to come in touches me at the most difficult time in my life and I know this makes Les smile.  

We thank you again and I pray you continue to “pay it forward” as Les did for more than 30 years in our tri-country area: to give in whatever way you can, and certainly not just monetarily. If you have not read Les’s book, his farewell to us, please do so because it certainly helps! The majority of the proceeds will go to help fight the deadliest of cancers, metastic melanoma, which took our Les’s life at the age of 60.  He worked so hard on this great effort and at times when he was so sick, but he pushed himself with a smile on his face. Even under those circumstances, as one last labor of love, he took the opportunity to continue to give of himself!  I still shake my head in awe, and with tears, of course, at his drive to do so even though he was so weak, uncomfortable, tired and at times when I disagreed with his choice to continue to push on!

As hard as it is to take you back to that hellacious week in April, I will do so to help you understand and make things clearer for you. I know the insanity of it will never make sense. My struggle to adapt to life without my beloved husband, my partner, my best friend, my lover and my amazing example has not only left holes in my heart, it has shattered my heart and the very core and soul of my being! I’ve been left empty, unable to cope, lost and alone in the “depths” as I call it; the depths of pain that I have never before experienced. This horrible bond that we all share with the dreaded disease of cancer is one I wish none of us knew.

The second week that Les was in the hospital, we were told by the doctor that Les had 3-6 months to live; a day later, 2-3 months to live. His liver was deteriorating at a rapid rate and he had been off Chinese medicine. The next day we were told that he had 2-3 weeks to live. We had our den set up with a hospital bed, etc., and caregivers to bring Les home to die. People at the hospital put Les through vigorous training that morning, April 17, that he was to carry on at home.  Les and I spoke many times while he was put through this work.  He was very lucid, very clear-minded but spoke with heavy breathing.  He had difficulty breathing.  And Les went home to heaven that evening.

I collapsed, screaming and wailing with endless tears.  I could not be left alone for weeks and have had a terrible time trying to cope without my husband!  I have been surrounded by loved ones, church family and wonderful health care providers.  Within the last few weeks I have been able to eat again.  But honestly the tears are still endless and trying to go on with him seems impossible!  Our dogs, of course, have been deeply affected as well.  Blue is just now eating regularly and when I see them standing at the door waiting for Les, I can hardly bear it!

WITH HOPE
By Stephen Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be.
We had so many plans for you, we had so many dreams.
And now you’ve gone away and left us with the memories of
your smile. And nothing we can say and nothing we can do can take away the pain – the pain of losing you but. . .

We can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope ‘cause we know
Our goodbye is not the end.  We can grieve with hope ‘cause we believe
with hope.  There’s a place by God’s grace – there’s a place we’ll see your
face again.  We’ll see your face again.

And never have I known anything so hard to understand.  And never have I
questioned the wisdom of God’s plan.  But through the cloud of tears I see the
Father smile and say well done.

And I imagine you where you wanted most to be, seeing all you’re dreams come
true, ‘cause now you’re home and now you’re free.  We have this hope as an anchor
‘cause we believe that everything God promised us is true, so. . .

We wait with hope and we ache with hope.  We hold on with hope.  We let go with hope.

When Les passed away the evening of Friday, August 17, 2009 at Portland Providence Hospital, he clearly had this hope and this peace.  He had no fear and was filled with our faith!  He had great sadness in leaving me and other loved ones and all that we had planned to do!  We had so many dreams, and loved the idea of growing old together fulfilling each one.

I take great comfort in this amidst my terrible pain and this horrible grief.  I do know that Les is home in Heaven with no tumors, no pain, no suffering, no needles…  he hated needles, but endured endless needles and blood draws. No demeaning, degrading, or extremely uncomfortable procedures, and no terrible, horrible side effects!  As our dear friend David Long said in trying to comfort me, “Rita, he is in the presence of God and nothing is better than that!”  David is right, and I marvel at his faith, but I would give anything in the world to have my beloved husband back with me!  My faith has been tested again and again and I have more questions than I can bear to handle.  I know that Les is whole, healthy, happy, smiling that beautiful smile that I could hear even over the air!  I know that his wonderful laugh comes easily again, that he is filled with joy and he is loving the music in heaven, just as he said he would!  I am deeply grateful Les was so strong in his faith.

I, on the other hand, am trying to trying to work through severe depression, severe trauma and stress syndrome, severe grief and loss.  The anger, the frustration, the loss and the torment of losing Les in this way has been all-consuming and I literally have been unable to cope.  I have been told that grief takes on a life all its own – it has and it does! It was our twentieth anniversary in June and we were to go to Hawaii to renew our vows.  And how we love Hawaii!  Our birthdays are two weeks apart this month, and our dear niece just had her wedding on Lake Washington and I could barely attend without him.  We missed her engagement party a year ago because Les was not up to it.  Not having our own children makes our nieces and nephews even more special – so we have not missed any big events in their lives.  Not to mention the pain in theirs as they try to go forward without him; their beloved Uncle Les was a pied piper to them!  Each one loved and adored him since infancy.  For all of our family members and Les’s best friend Carl Widing, who was the best man in our wedding, to not be able to say goodbye has made this loss even more unbearable.

Our dear friend Linda Brown from Cannon Beach wrote me such precious words that I often refer to them –

I know that for you. . . the silence is interminable right now.

Lost and drifting, alone in a world that was built by two. . .

I promise that friendships will blossom
Things will regain interest.

Doing things for others is good for the mind

But don’t lose sight of who you are. . .

How strong you can be.

That Life is for living. . .     Love, Linda

Linda lost her beloved mother to cancer as well and has cried with me and for me many times.  For all of us who now share this horrible bond carried out by the epidemic of cancer in this country, I too cry with you and for you!!